Why, Hate and Well...

This boy stole my heart the moment I laid eyes on him. It took a long enough time to get him here and I swore that I would love him and be the best mom to him forever.

I think that I was just too excited about having a baby and too niave to realize there would be days that I'd go nuts.

But I still love him and always will.

Lately he's been a little sassy.

He's been talking back and when I tell him not to do something he says, "Why can he do it?" or "Why did you let me do it last night?" or "How come so and so's mom lets them do it???"

I sharply reply, "Because I'm not so and so's mom, I'm your mom and I only worry about you."

Man and I my mother's daughter???

I remember these words.

I think that I was a teenager when I heard them though. Not 3 years old. (I may be wrong)

A friend of mine heard Kaysen ask me this one day and she could tell that it was driving me crazy so she said, "Because she's the mean mom that loves her kids."

He looked at her like she was crazy.

I looked at her like she was crazy. I don't want to be the mean mom.

I think she realized this because she said that is what she says to her kids. Then she pointed out that its the "mean" ones that love their kids the most and want what's best for them.


I go to volleyball twice a week and sometimes I have to bring my boys along with me. There is a little girl there that constantly says, "I hate you" to anybody who doesn't do what she wants. I knew without a doubt that Kaysen would catch on to this phrase sooner rather than later. I just didn't think that it would be that same day....

I don't even remember what I asked Kaysen to do, I only remember him not liking that I asked him to do it. And ever so fastly did those mean words flow from his mouth. I know he is only 3 and doesn't understand the complete meaning of these words, but he knows they are words that hurt. You could tell by the face he made as he said them.

Yet, I think that he saw the look on my face when he said them and realized just how mean they are. Almost instantly he said sorry.

This little incident instantly made a scene from long long ago jump into my thoughts....

My mom was folding clothes in the living room and asked me to take my clothes to my room and put them away because our Home Teachers were going to be there any minute. Being the honry 10 year old (or so) that I was I fought her about doing it and ended up stomping to my room. Little did I know that she was right behind me. I throw the clothes that my mom just washed, dried and folded for me on my bed in a heap and said, "Oh I HATE you!!!" But I didn't know that she would hear it. I turned around to see her sad, dissapointed face as she said, "Really? Do you hate me Charlsye?"

Instantly, I cried no that I didn't mean it. But the damage was already done. I never wanted our home teachers to leave so fast. I hated sitting there thinking the whole time that my mom thought I hated her. It made me feel sick inside.

I now know that my mom knew that I didn't hate her. Just hearing those words stung her at first. Just like when I heard Kaysen say them.

So to hear my 3 year old son already say this to me made me sick. I don't want him talking like that. HATE is a strong word. I want him to learn to use and act out the opposite word...LOVE. But I realized that I need to do it first. I need to show him what love is more.

Anytime Kaysen does something that I ask him not to he also replies with. "Well..." (with as much attitude a 3 year old can muster) then answers why he did it or wants to do or not do it. After about the 739 time of saying "Well" that day I finally looked him in the face and said,"Where did you come up with this? Why are you sayig that all the time?"

He looked me in the eyes and said, "You."

At first I wanted to say that I don't say that but realized that I do.

Whenever Kaysen asks me why or something I reply with a quick. "Well, I told you too." or "Well, do it anyways." or "Well, come on then." etc.

That song I've been watching you by Rodney Atkins jumped into my mind. I realized that my kids are watching me.

It may be the mean moms that do discipline and love their kids. But I don't want to be the mean mom. I want to be the mom that can discipline with love. I say this, but it is soo hard for me to do all the time. I honestly pray daily for help. I know that Jerry and I can't raise our children alone.

One of the things Kaysen learned in primary a couple weeks ago was a saying that he loves to say everyday.

"I am a Child of God and I love him and he loves me."

He already tells me that Heavenly Father and Jesus love him. If he catches on that quick to when people love him and treat him kindly, how fast is he catching on to those who act like they don't? I want him to know that Heavenly Father and Jesus love him but I also want him to know how much I LOVE HIM. I guess that means I need to be more like them huh? Then he'll really know how much I do love him.