Worrying...

When Jerry and I were first married it would take me forever to fall asleep at night.  It drove him crazy. Only becasuse he felt bad that I would toss and turn worrying about this and that, while he would pass out within two second of the light going out.


Then I got pregnant.


And I would fall asleep BEFORE the lights went out. 


Since that first pregnancy, for the most part, I fall asleep very quickly.


That is until the past couple nights. Tonight being the worst yet. I'm finding myself tossing and turning once again, worrying about this and that.


Worrying about who is going to watch my boys, from 6:30am -11:30am while I go to my 2nd doctors appointment of the week...each week. 


Worrying about packing the suitcase to take to my moms for when these little ones decide to arrive and each one of us need a change of clothes. 


Worrying about household chores that need done but I feel to bad telling Jerry about becasue he has a bazillion other things he has to worry about right now.


Worrying about how these two little ones are going arrive. The natural way or c-section??? Please not one of each. PLEASE!!! These babies have both moved head down so that means they can be delivered naturally. However, many times the first one comes out, then the 2nd one gets all this room and flips, spreads out and decides not to cooperate.  So then a c-section is needed. This I DO NOT want. Just one or the other...not both.


Worrying about how long these two little ones are going to have to stay in the hospital. I have two other boys that need me...how am I going to choose which ones to be with if the twins have to stay in the hospital for an extended time???


Worrying about what day these two little ones are going to arrive.  You see, I want them to stay in this oven as long as possible.  However, I am told I won't go past full term, being 37 weeks,  which is October 9th. It would be a miracle for me to make it that long and  I'll only make it that far if I continue with bedrest and my medication.  35 weeks would be great timing, but the longer they are in my belly the better.  36 weeks will be the week they are born though.


You know why? Because that is the week of Kaysen's 5th birthday. As soon as I found out I was pregnant that was the ONE week I did not want to be in labor. This almost 5 year old is so excited for his 5th birthday and knows which day it is.  I really don't want to be in the hospital when that special day comes around. So I lay in bed wondering if these babies will be coming at 35 weeks or 37...because those are the weeks that are ideal. 


I know. Like I can do anything about it huh? They are going to come when they want to, regardless of how much I try and convince myself that  I can choose the day. The only way that is happening is if I do a scheduled c-section and so far that hasn't been planned. 


Worrying about the new little attitude my 5 year old has developed.  You see, he has this friend at school that has some pretty bad habits. I'm finding out that this is where he is learning it from.  We've tried telling him to be a good example to this little boy instead of following him, that he needs to be the better person and make a good choice.  That only worked so much. At school he does great with it. But when he comes home, he's a completely different boy that the one I know.  When we ask him why he's acting like that he tells us because his friend can. Needless to say...I've told him he can't play with that little boy anymore.  You know what??? He told that boy the same thing. He didn't even fight me on it. He says he wants to be good so he's going to listen.  You know what else??? The past 3 days he's been the little boy that I know once again.  So scary to think that at 5 years old I'm already worrying about and dealing with the examples of friends. I only worry about this becasue I know I wouldn't have made half the choices I did growing up if I would have had better friends.  They didn't make me do the things I did, but they had a hand in pulling me down with them.  I just don't want my kids making the same mistakes I did.


Worrying about how I'm going to spend my "alone" time each day with my boys. Kaysen is easy when Gage is at school. We play Go Fish, Memory, Bingo, Wahoo, draw pictures, read stories, play with playdough, build marble race tracks, or even just lay down and fall asleep for a quick nap on my bed together. Gage on the other hand is only happy doing each one of these things for a very mininimal amount of time. He'd rather watch a movie.  So I let him watch one movie each morning as I get ready...or blog. If I let him watch more than that he acts up for attention.  I really need ideas. I need knew things to do with this boy, that I can do while staying down. I want to give these two boys as much attention as I can for the next few weeks because after that, our life is going to be drastically different. 


This leads to worrying about how I'm going to balance being a mother of 4 children, 5 years old and under. Although I'll always have time for these two, I know many times the amount of time I have won't be enough for them. How in the world am I going to do it???


This last worry is the worry that brought me to my boys room tonight to watch them sleep. It is also the reason that brought me to my knees while I was in their room.  I know that this is the only way I'll be able to make it. I have a feeling my Heavenly Father is going to hearing from me a lot more often soon.  Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm going through this "trial" and blessing....to bring me closer to Him. 


Maybe now that I've typed out most of my worries I'll finally be able to fall asleep....wish me luck! I'm sure they'll resurface again tomorrow night :)